In a Pinch, Reach for Duct Tape

Friday, July 1, 2011

Page 11

AT THE SIDEBAR (Column)

In a Pinch, Reach for Duct Tape

By J’AMY PACHECO

It’s been more than 18 years since I composed my first weekly column. With the exception of a couple short breaks here and there, I’ve sat down at my computer every week since Bill Clinton’s first year in office and had to come up with something to write about.

It hasn’t always been easy. Most of the time, I hear, read or do something every week that I know immediately I can use in a column. One of my favorite words is, “Okay,” because I rarely say no to something if I think I might be able to write about it later.

Occasionally, though, I come up blank. I read one weekly and two daily newspapers, stacks of magazines and so much online content that I’m embarrassed to admit it. In spite of that, there are unusual weeks when nothing sparks my imagination.

When that happens, as I feel the deadline noose tightening around my neck, I seek inspiration at home. “I need a column idea!” I’ll announce to my husband, daughter, and the dog. And then I withhold food, restroom privileges and the television remote until somebody comes up with something.

I only remember my daughter saving me once. She was little, and I jokingly asked her what I should write about. She looked up from her Barbie dolls and said, “Just tell them ‘Lolly lolly loo.’” I somehow managed to fill this space based on that brief suggestion.

My husband is usually more of a contributor. After more than 936 weeks of this, he even makes periodic preemptive strikes by handing me newspaper clippings or e-mailing something he’s read.

This week, for example, he sent me an e-mail with a link to a Web site titled, “101 Uses for Duct Tape” with a note suggesting I pass on this critical information.

The site hasn’t been updated since 1999—six years after I started writing a column. At the moment, it actually contains 252 suggested uses for the famous tape.

Among the many uses listed are some that are practical: hold your car hood shut, patch a hole in a canoe, make a letter for a letterman’s jacket and use in place of nail polish. (Who thinks these things up?)

Others are just plain strange. Among other uses listed are making a bookshelf, making a swing for your kids, locking people into their houses or offices, making bed sheets, repairing a smashed pumpkin (okay, that one had me laughing out loud), or making a chastity belt, muzzle, and really cool underwear.

Many of the suggestions involve cars. Apparently there are quite a few uses beyond the car hood mentioned above—contributors suggest using duct tape to reattach a rearview mirror, fix a broken taillight, repair a cracked windshield, patch a leaking tire, hold up the exhaust pipe, secure the car battery in place and cover rust holes in a car. (I have a sneaking suspicion all of these were submitted by one person desperately in need of a new vehicle.)

Some are little bit scary, like the one that suggests using duct tape in place of handcuffs. Other suggested uses are throwing it at people (no detail on whether it should be unrolled first); taping up freshmen (I’m glad my daughter is now a sophomore!); attaching 10-year-olds with sugar highs to trees on scouting trips (really!) and using for emergency limb replacement. (I’m pretty sure that should read “emergency limb reattachment.”)

The list motivated me to do some reading about duct tape. I read that it was invented during World War II, and was eventually renamed “Duck Tape.” All this time, I thought people who called it “duck” tape were making a mistake, like the people I encounter on the Internet who talk about walking down the “isles” in stores, and substitute the word “prolly” for “probably.” Who knew?

It never occurred to me that duct—or duck—tape could provide inspiration for a column. The only thing I remember ever using it for was making a dressmakers dummy of my daughter’s torso so my mother could make an outfit at her home, 60 miles away from ours.

At my mom’s suggestion, I wrapped the relevant parts of my daughter in clear plastic wrap, then did a mummy-thing with duct tape. I carefully cut it off and voila—an instant model of my daughter, which could be sent to Grandma. Come to think of it, that’s almost as weird as some of the uses I’ve listed here.

If the list wasn’t so old, I’d add suggestion number 253: use duct tape when you run short of ideas. And here’s the proof it’ll do the job.