How to Drive Like a Teenager

Friday, April 1, 2011

Page 15

AT THE SIDEBAR (Column)

How to Drive Like a Teenager

By J’AMY PACHECO

Who wouldn’t like to feel younger now and then? I certainly would, and now I know just how to do it.

It’s been about seven months since I started driving my daughter to and from the local high school. That experience has given me lots of time to observe teenagers in their natural habitat, and to study their driving methods.

I can only guess that the insanity I see in the parking lot on a twice-daily basis is a product of car keys being handed to young people getting their first real taste of freedom. Throwing caution to the wind, these not-quite-adults hit the road with such reckless abandon that I can’t help wondering what their parents would think if they had any idea how their child was contributing to the justification of high liability insurance rates for teenaged drivers.

In any case, my observations have led me to propose that the best way to feel young, like a teenager, might be to drive like one. My vast knowledge of this subject drove me to prepare the following suggestions of how to drive like a teenager so that you, too, can feel young and carefree.

•When making a left turn with a light, don’t be influenced by the colors yellow and red. It’s okay to enter the intersection on a red light and block it if you’re in danger of being late for school.

(This condition also applies when you’re a pedestrian crossing a busy intersection on your way to school. Don’t let those flashing red hands or honking horns stop you—that crosswalk is yours, for as long as you want it.)

•As you approach the school’s driveway, drive as fast as you can to pass as many cars as possible. Be sure to cut in at the last minute, close enough that somebody’s mom will have to slam on her brakes to avoid hitting you.

•Once in the parking lot, don’t waste time behind the other cars waiting to pull into the lane closest to the school. Head down the furthest aisle, which will be empty, then make a sharp turn and race across the parking spaces themselves. Other students will be surprised and amazed when you come barreling sideways into the lane in which they’re driving!

•If you see any of your friends, enemies or acquaintances across the parking lot, honk your horn repeatedly. Everyone will notice you.

•When you pull in to park, make the turn into your parking space on two wheels, squealing your tires if possible. Everybody will admire your driving prowess, and nobody will notice when you later back out and realign the car so you’re actually in the parking space.

•As you sit idling in a space while you wait for the bell to ring, make sure any song on your car stereo is played as loudly as possible, and with the bass setting at maximum. The effect will be even better if you play songs laced with profanity. Everyone will admire your class and coolness.

•Boys: when you leave the car, make sure your pants are hanging down low enough that everybody can see at least half of your undies. It’s so cool that hardly anybody will think you look like you’re wearing a diaper that needs changing.

•When backing out of your parking space at the end of the day, don’t mind any other students walking to their cars. It really is their responsibility to move. After all, it’s a parking lot, not a walking lot.

•If you happen to hit another car while backing out, hesitate, then flee. Nobody will be able to catch you. The chances are slim that some parent will be quick enough to jot down your license number.

(This logic also applies to getting busted kissing your visiting non-student boy/girlfriend in the office. As soon as the secretary notices, run. What are the chances they’ll be able to find you in a student population of 3,000?)

I’ve been driving my daughter to and from school for 10 years now. She’ll be eligible to get her learner’s permit in a few months, and I’ve been counting the days until she had a license and I could hand over the keys to the car when it’s time to leave at the crack of dawn. I was looking forward to both of us getting our freedom.

Unfortunately, she’s been so startled by what she’s seen in the school parking lot that she doesn’t want to drive to school. That gives me three more years of learning to drive like a teenager.

Three more years of the high school parking lot. The thought of it is enough to drive me crazy.