A Dog for Lindsay

Friday, February 11, 2011

Page 11

AT THE SIDEBAR (Column)

A Dog for Lindsay

By J’AMY PACHECO

I just read that starlet Lindsay Lohan is in trouble again. This time, she is accused of stealing a necklace worth $2,500 from a jewelry store.

Anyone who reads a newspaper, owns a computer or has a heart that beats has probably heard about Lohan’s past woes. They range from arrests for driving under the influence and drug possession to chasing people down in her car, as well as making some really bad films.

As a mother, I am saddened by Lohan’s well-documented decline. I first became aware of her when she starred in a remake of the Disney film, “The Parent Trap.” My daughter loved the movie and watched it enough that I can probably recite a good portion of the dialogue—with and without the English accent Lohan used for part of her role.

I thought she was cute in that film, but I became a fan when I saw her in “Life Size.” It may be because we’re Barbie girls, but my daughter and I both enjoyed this made-for-television movie in which Lohan attempts to resurrect her dead mother, but instead brings a Barbie-like fashion doll to life.

She continued making movies, and we continued to enjoy them. But while filming “Georgia Rule” in 2006, Lohan received negative attention after being publicly reprimanded for not showing up on the set while partying hard most nights. I wrote here then that all Lohan had to do to stay out of trouble was “stay clean, go to bed at 8 p.m., do her job—and avoid committing any felonies.”

Clearly, she failed to heed my advice. Of course, she likely has no idea I ever offered that advice, but that’s not the point.

So now, in the midst of all her other legal woes, Lohan is accused of walking out of a jewelry store wearing a necklace that she didn’t buy.

I don’t know what the real story is with the necklace, but since she’s been charged with a felony, I imagine things are going to get a lot scarier on the Lohan side of the courtroom.

Since my clean living proposal wasn’t accepted, I have another idea. I recently read an article about a dog that can detect a certain form of cancer with a high degree of accuracy. I know there are dogs that can alert people to impending seizures or assist those with other disabilities.

Since Lohan’s peeps don’t seem to be able to stop her from taking a life-sized swan dive, I think she needs a service dog.

With everything dogs can do, surely somebody can train one to smell trouble. And when they do, Lohan should be number one on the list of prospective clients.

If party girl Lohan is tempted to take a swig out of a bottle of alcohol, as she famously did in Italy after a stint in rehab, the dog could sound a warning. Even if it doesn’t get LiLo’s attention, it will certainly alert the paparazzi, or anybody in the vicinity with a cell phone camera.

Dogs can be trained to sniff drugs, too, so if the starlet was tempted to snort or smoke a little something, the dog would be on to that, too. I doubt there’s much a dog can do to stop her from chasing people in her car—I suspect her canine companion might actually empathize with her need to do that.

Now, I’ve been a little bit skeptical of the concept of some kinds of service animals in recent years. Seeing eye dogs, I get. But when I encountered a woman in a bookstore carrying what she said was her assistance rodent, I confess I sort of wondered if it wasn’t just an excuse to walk around commercial establishments with a furry friend.

Maybe it’s just hard for me to have faith in creatures that have been known to eat their own poop. At least, that’s what I caught my daughter’s dog doing one unforgettably disgusting morning.

But I also know our dog is pretty smart—I once caught her poised on an accent table trying to find a way onto the blocked staircase so she could run up and awaken her favorite human.

Most dogs are pretty good with their noses, too. For example, our dog loves cheese. From our California home, she can smell a bag of cheese being opened in Terre Haute. (How a dog that can smell cheese seven states away can eat poo without batting an eye is a mystery, but again, that’s not the point.)

I think a trouble-sniffing service dog is possible, and it just might help Lohan turn her life around. She started out with such promise that it would be nice to see her get off the path to self-ruin.

Maybe if she takes my advice and succeeds, she’ll be moved to send me a thank-you gift. A nice necklace, perhaps…