Television Pitch Derails Holiday Wish

Friday, August 27, 2010

Page 15

AT THE SIDEBAR (Column)

Television Pitch Derails Holiday Wish

By J’AMY PACHECO

I was discussing the not-so-far-off Christmas holiday with my 7-year-old niece when she confessed her heart’s desire: some kind of bendy glowing stick things.

Since I had believed up to that point that she was hoping to find an American Girl doll under the tree, I asked what had caused her to make the switch from a pricey doll to a relatively cheap plastic toy.

“I saw it on TV,” she explained. That explained so much.

Who hasn’t been tempted to buy something hailed as the next greatest thing by some late-night pitchman on television?

I know my neighbors have, because a few months ago, a “Topsy Turvey” tomato planter appeared on their backyard patio. It was there for about a month before it disappeared, along with the sad, withered little upside-plant inside.

Anybody who has ever used a television remote has likely seen the pitches for products designed to make our lives easier or better. These pitches are especially prevalent in the wee hours of the morning or during the workday.

In the 1970s, we had a bottle cutter at my house. This nifty tool was intended to put a stop to pollution by getting everyone to recycle glass bottles by cutting them into useful items like vases and glasses. It took only a few cut bottles for our family to come to the realization that we didn’t need a bunch of junk made from recycled bottles hanging around. The bottle cutter was sent to the garage.

At the time, I didn’t realize the bottle cutter was a popular item advertised on television. The first “infomercial” I remember seeing came years later. It must have been somewhat effective, for while I didn’t haul out my credit card to order, I do remember being impressed when a man used Ginsu Knives to cut through an aluminum can.

Since then, just about everything has been pitched on television, from equipment designed to shape our bodies to little squares of fabric intended to dry our cars.

Actress Suzanne Somers hit the big time two decades ago when she hawked the “Thigh Master” on television. The exercise tool is still available today.

But most products hawked on television infomercials eventually disappear from sight and popular culture. I remember seeing a commercial for a product that was supposed to suck hot air out of parked cars, leaving them comfortably cool for their returning owners.

Since those disappeared relatively quickly from the airwaves, I’m guessing the product didn’t live up to the claims made in the commercials.

A few nights ago, my daughter told me about an item she’d seen advertised on television. Called the “iRenew Bracelet,” the plastic band is supposed to use “natural frequencies to promote strength and wellness.”

The result is that wearers are supposed to feel stronger, more energized and maintain better balance. As far as I can tell, it’s a plastic or rubber bracelet stamped with a logo.

I’m a little puzzled as to how a simple plastic band around the wrist can make one feel more energized. But I was also puzzled as to why anybody would need to invest in a “Pasta Pro” when a simple strainer can be picked up at any discount store. Before I saw the late-night Pasta Pro commercial, I had no idea so many people struggled with making spaghetti.

My husband once fell for a pitch for a series of DVDs of an old variety show. While I liked most of the music contained on the DVDs, I stopped watching them almost immediately because every single song was prefaced by the entire introduction of the show. I got tired of hearing it.

The problem with buying things sold on television is that they seldom live up to our expectations. My daughter was once convinced she needed some kind of pink foamy stuff that she was supposed to be able to mold into different shapes. It was so sticky and gross that she used it once before it went into the trash can.

But as long as there are people pitching stuff on television, there will be gullible buyers with credit cards willing to give these products a try. Look online at a shop called “As Seen on TV,” and you’ll learn that you can buy “Chia Obama,” games for use on the toilet, or even a remote-controlled machine that simulates the sound of someone breaking wind. Presumably, all of these items were at one time advertised on television.

Suddenly, those bendy-glow things seem almost normal…