Tickets I’d Like to Write

Friday, January 25, 2008

Page 15

AT THE SIDEBAR (Column)

Tickets I’d Like to Write

By J’AMY PACHECO

In a recent newspaper column by a traffic reporter, I read a list of driving infractions that could earn the offending party a large fine. Examples cited included not stopping for red lights flashed by a loading school bus ($570); unauthorized use of a disabled placard ($950) and fleeing from a police officer, causing injury in the process – a whopping $19,000.

I drive enough to be grateful that there are people who issue tickets and fines to irresponsible drivers. I’ve had so many near-misses on the road in the past few years that I’ve fantasized about installing a video camera on the hood of my car just so people could see what I observe on the freeway – preferably via a television show I would host and call, “Driving Habits of the Dangerously Stupid.”

Although I’ve been driving for a long time, I’ve never received a ticket for a moving violation. That’s not to say I haven’t deserved any – I admit I sometimes drive a little faster than I should. But I try to be a responsible driver who arrives in one piece and leaves no wreckage behind. Most of the time, I drive at the speed limit in the second lane from the right, where slower traffic is supposed to drive.

Unfortunately, in recent years, I’ve noticed that some of the craziest drivers have started using these lanes for high speed passing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen some enormous vehicle (very often a pickup truck with oversized tires or an SUV) barreling down on a slow-moving vehicle in the truck lane, getting right up to its bumper, and swerving suddenly into my lane.

Just once I’d like to see one of those bozos get a ticket for that. In fact, I wish I could personally issue tickets to drivers whose irresponsible behavior places others in danger. I don’t have any desire to actually pull these people over; I’d like to surprise them by sending their citations in the mail – along with the relevant video clip from my show, of course.

One of the first places I’d find them would be the carpool lanes. I don’t know what it is about the carpool lane that makes some drivers think it gives them license to travel at light speed. Woe to the driver who may have filled their car with dutiful gas-saving commuters – but dares to drive the speed limit.

If they’re not tailgated, I’m sure they’ll soon find the speeder behind them whipping across the solid yellow lines, passing, and crossing the same solid lines to cut off the “offending” vehicle. If I had my way, the carpool tailgater would get not only a hefty financial fine, but be required to do community service in a car wash.

As long as I’m writing tickets, I’d like to include a category for people who drive forever with their turn signals blinking. I’m always afraid to drive past them, because I don’t know if they’ve forgotten about it, or if they just like to plan ahead.

A related offense would target drivers who signal to turn one way, and then turn the opposite way. What’s up with that?

I’d reserve a special category for drivers who insist upon driving significantly slower than the posted limit – until somebody tries to pass them. I’ll never understand why slow-moving vehicles seem to ONLY find speed when someone tries to pass.

While I dutifully stop for every school bus I see with flashing lights, I can sort of understand what prompts some drivers to ignore them. I would, therefore, like to be able to issue citations to students – usually high schoolers – who take forever to get on the bus while traffic backs up.

Of course, there are many offenses for which I’d like to write tickets that have nothing to do with driving. The citation with the heftiest fine would go to offenders committing one of my biggest pet peeves: line cutting. I witness so many people cutting in line that my family has a joke about my “invisibility suit.”

Right behind that would be a citation for people who step on the back of my shoes. I don’t have enormous feet – in fact, they’re pretty average. But for some reason, people step on the back of my shoes so much that it’s become another family joke.

I’d like to write tickets for people who kick the back of my chair during movies, telemarketers who call my house in spite of my presence on the Do Not Call list, and people who let their pets run wild to potty in my yard.

In fact, there is enough stupidity in the world that if we could issue citations and fines to every offender, we could probably retire the national debt – and watch some pretty funny television.

It’s something to consider.