Great Inventions That Never Were

Friday, March 30, 2007

Page 15

AT THE SIDEBAR (Column)

Great Inventions That Never Were

By J’AMY PACHECO

Hello. My name is J’Amy, and I’m (ahem) a Diet Coke-a-holic.

I never meant for this to happen. In fact, once I realized I craved the bubbly stuff the way some people crave their morning cuppa Joe, I tried to quit cold turkey. Regrettably, by mid-morning of my first caffeine free day, my head ached so badly that I might have been tempted to sell my soul for a can of liquid relief.

Fortunately, that dog’s hair is so readily available that I was able to get rid of my headache quickly. I’m still working on a plan to wean myself off the wretched stuff, but I know without a doubt that caffeine is a hard habit to kick.

I was, therefore, interested in a recent column in “Scientific American” that mentioned a new hybrid on the market: the caffeinated donut.

I’m not a coffee drinker, but I sure do love donuts. I rarely buy them – in my family, they’re strictly a moving day treat. At my daughter’s school, however, enterprising mothers have established a monthly drive-through donut experience in which I can unload my offspring for the day, and drive away with a fresh Krispy Kreme glazed donut.

A caffeinated donut is an intriguing idea. On one hand, it might help with my efforts to kick the D.C. habit. On the other hand, it’s pretty much the combination of two things that aren’t good for you: caffeine, and sticky starchy fat.

Talk about your basic quandary.

I’m guessing you’re impressed that I read “Scientific American,” where they discuss such things as “The Dazzling Future of Plasmonics;” epigenetic changes in cancer cells and the intelligence of the raven. (Incidentally, that’s the big birds, not the big Disney channel star.)

Truthfully, this issue was the first I’ve read. But it’s full of big ideas, and it inspired me to come up with a few big ideas of my own in terms of things I wish somebody would invent.

Let’s start in the kitchen. I’m not a morning person by nature, and coming up with a fast and easy breakfast that makes my family feel like I actually spent some time preparing it is a huge challenge.

I wish somebody would invent toast that comes with butter already on it. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking that’s dumb – how hard is it to butter toast? It’s not the buttering itself; it’s the butter stains that result when you get too much butter on the toast and it drips.

Then there’s the matter of the knife – which is always left on the counter, or in the sink. Butter knives never end up in the dishwasher.

Sometimes, I resort to buying those tiny chocolate-covered donuts for school/workday mornings. We sure don’t need caffeine in them, but we do need someone to invent a chocolate coating that doesn’t crack and fall off when you bite it. I tell you, if my child doesn’t go to school with butter stains, then she’s probably got a chocolate spot somewhere on her shirt.

My self-cleaning oven is great. Unfortunately, since I never get around to cooking, the oven usually just needs a light dusting. What I really need is a self-cleaning house — one that just sucks up all the clutter through little vents in the floor.

I’d also like someone to invent a better way to handle bathroom needs in the car. Maybe it’s just a middle aged mommy thing, but it’s getting to the point that I dread road trips because I know they’ll result in a frantic search for a place that’s clean, safe and will let me use their facilities. I usually accomplish this by going into a fast food restaurant and buying a beverage so they won’t complain when I use their potty. Of course, that starts the whole ugly cycle all over again.

And speaking of cars, I’d like somebody to invent a car that runs on something other than gasoline — and that your average American can afford. I hate filling up my gas tank. My heart sinks lower and lower each time I see the numbers in the price window rolling by at twice the speed of the numbers in the gallons window. I’m starting to feel guilty about every long drive I make.

But since those inventions are likely not coming anytime soon, I guess I’ll just crack open a Diet Coke and peruse more of the magazine. There’s an article I haven’t yet read, about how dark matter might emit energy.

I don’t know about you, but I could sure use some energy to go with my caffeine…