‘Hottest’ Mom May Not Be Cool

Friday, March 2, 2007

Page 15

AT THE SIDEBAR (Column)

‘Hottest’ Mom May Not Be Cool

By J’AMY PACHECO

I’ve received some pretty strange e-mail over the years. Not a week goes by without me receiving grainy images of alleged stock tips, cautionary messages about eBay bids I never made, or offers for drugs (presumably the legal kind) at Internet prices.

The subject line of a recent e-mail I received almost resulted in it being sent to the electronic trash bin faster than a Nigerian millionaire’s widow’s request for help liberating funds. It announced a search for the “Hottest Mom in America.”

Since it immediately struck me as a different kind of e-mail, I was about to click “delete” when I realized it wasn’t what I thought. It was, in fact, announcing a search for somebody’s mom who is “In tune with her family, involved with her community, and in touch with her feminine side.”

The successful candidate will also have to “photograph well,” so she can become the official face of the cosmetics company that is sponsoring the contest.

A quick read-through of the rules indicated that candidates have to be at least 18 and less than 60 – which pretty much leaves Elizabeth Taylor out. Go figure.

Moms who want to be considered have to upload a short video of themselves explaining why they think they’re the hottest mom in America. They may or may not be called for a live interview, and they may find their little videos being made available to anybody with a computer, an Internet provider, and a desire to gaze upon hot mamas. Yikes.

I should point out that the rules explicitly prohibit pornography, nudity, sexual or offensive acts – any of which “may” result in an applicant’s disqualification.

C’mon…then why did the powers that be come up with the “Hottest Mom” moniker? Even this middle aged mommy knows that when you call somebody hot, you’re referring 100 percent to the way the person looks, not how well they bake snickerdoodles or how clean the underside of their toilet seat is.

I should also point out that moms who are called for auditions are advised that there are no facilities for their children, who should be left at home. I can’t be the only one who finds it ironic that women who want to show what good moms they are have to start by ditching their kids.

I think they should forget the hottest mom idea and search for the Coolest Mom in America. Now, that’s a contest I could get excited about.

What makes a mom cool? First and foremost, she should be willing and able to help with homework. Any mother who can answer the question, “Mom, how do you calculate the area of a circle again?” without having to refer to “Geometry for Dummies” is a cool mom.

The Coolest Mom in America would know the words to the latest songs by Hannah Montana, Aly & AJ and Ashley Tisdale. She would know how to play “Animal Crossing” on the Nintendo DS, and would be able to build things out of Legos.

A cool mom doesn’t care about wrinkled clothes, but irons her children’s clothing on cold mornings so they go on warm. A cool mom is willing to see “Night at the Museum” three times in three weekends simply for the social interaction. A cool mom always has snacks in her purse, isn’t afraid of school cafeteria food, and doesn’t hesitate to check her children out of school early for an occasional surprise fun day.

A cool mom brings frozen Otter Pops to school on the hottest days, coaches youth sports teams when nobody else will, and listens to her children’s dreams, fears and heartaches in a way nobody else can.

If that kind of mom doesn’t appeal to the masses, how about a contest to find the Smartest Mom in America? A smart mom can figure out how to stretch a paycheck, make mac-and-cheese taste gourmet, and how to turn an elementary school classroom into an undersea paradise for the school’s book fair using only big rolls of cheap paper, tape, staples and imagination.

If I wanted a mommy to serve as my role model, I wouldn’t look for a Heidi Klum. I figure any mom who looks that good probably spends more time with her makeup bag than she does with her kids.

But find a mommy who makes life good, safe and adventurous for her children; who isn’t afraid of dirt, dry skin and a little barf now and then; who has a sense of humor and a love of fun — and who doesn’t care if others think she’s “hot” or not, then you’ll have found a mom worthy of my admiration.