New Rules Create Hug-Free Zone

Friday, February 2, 2007

Page 15

AT THE SIDEBAR (Column)

New Rules Create Hug-Free Zone

By J’AMY PACHECO

My daughter is one of those children who wears her feelings on her face. It was, therefore, immediately obvious to me that something was bothering her when I picked her up from school a few days ago. I asked what was wrong.

“I’m sad,” she said.

She explained that the students had been called together and advised that they are no longer allowed to hug their teachers.

To some, this might not seem like a big deal. In fact, it might seem logical. To my daughter, however, it was a tragedy.

The new policy stemmed from allegations that a longtime teacher at another school in our elementary school district had been touching students inappropriately. While I hope the teacher will be presumed innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, I think it’s laudable that the district reacted quickly to establish a hands-off policy for the protection of everybody.

The no-hugs rule was just one of the changes explained to the students. Children are no longer allowed to be alone in a room with a teacher, either.

As a parent, I applaud the district for recognizing potential vulnerabilities and trying to eliminate them. But as a parent who is very involved in my daughter’s education, I recognize the difficulties some of these restrictions will pose.

As I write this column, for example, my daughter is home suffering from the flu. (And I do mean suffering.) When she recovers and returns to school, she will no doubt have some catching up to do.

Ordinarily, she would skip her lunch recess to do make-up work in the classroom. Unless there are other students who need to make up work as well, it looks like the classroom would be off-limits and that the make-up work will end up as homework.

But all of that will eventually work out, I think. The no-more-hugs policy will be much more difficult.

We’re a huggy family. I hug family, friends and occasionally, business acquaintances. We hug hello, we hug good-bye, and sometimes we hug for no good reason.

My daughter hugs her teachers, her principal, and her friends. If the occasion presents itself, she’ll hug them when she arrives in the morning, and again when it’s time to go home.

Call me crazy, but I see that as a good thing. I love that my daughter is so happy to be at school that she hugs the people in charge. I’d take that over a sullen, would-rather-be-home-watching-cartoons child any day.

Even I have hugged my daughter’s teachers, and been hugged in return. I have never hesitated to put a reassuring arm around a child who is sad, scared, hurt, sick, embarrassed — or who just needs a hug – even if it’s not my child.

I distinctly remember chaperoning a kindergarten field trip during which the boy seated in front of me on the bus threw up. His teacher — then a single woman – moved his seatmates, sat next to the boy, and put her arms around him. He was a mess and smelled awful, but she held the sick child all the way back to school.

I remember thinking then that she would make an excellent mother. I wonder how she would handle the situation today.

As a mother, I find it sad that we live in a world where hugs have to be off-limits. I know so many children who can use an occasional hug from a teacher or principal, and suspect those are the only hugs some of them get.

I don’t know very much about the situation in our district, and have no idea if the alleged incidents involved hugging. I do know that a no-hugs policy isn’t going to put an end to child molestation.

I hope parents are motivated by this situation to talk to their children about what is appropriate and inappropriate touching, and how to tell the difference. I hope they work to open lines of communication at home so that their children will tell them when something happens. I hope they will emphasize that if someone instructs a child not to tell anyone about something that happened, that is a sign that they probably should.

My daughter is aware of the situation that led to these new rules, but disagrees with the no-hugs policy. If a student can never be alone with a teacher, she argued, how could a hug turn out to be a bad thing?

I think she’s right, but it’s not my call. And when it comes to the safety of children, it’s best to be as careful as possible.

Even if it costs them our hugs.