Friday, December 15, 2006
Page 15
AT THE SIDEBAR (Column)
Request Creates Moral Dilemma
By J’AMY PACHECO
A woman I’ve known professionally for more than a decade called a few days ago to make an odd request. If she were to suddenly drop dead, she stated – and those were her words —I am not to write an article about her.
For most people, this would not be a problem. Faced with the death of a friend, colleague or relative, I’m sure few people boot up the computer and start writing about it — for public consumption, anyway.
But that’s part of what I do.
Her request came about because of an article I wrote recently. A well-known attorney passed away, and I wrote about him. In it, I quoted some of his friends and colleagues. All of them had positive things to say about him.
Writing about people who have died is not my favorite thing to do. It’s sad, and I sometimes feel uncomfortable asking people to allow me to record their words when they’re at their most vulnerable. (The absolute worst is when I call someone for comment and discover that the person I’m calling wasn’t aware of the death until they heard it from me. I hate when that happens.)
But writing about people’s lives is something I do with a fair amount of competence. Finding the good in a life and helping to create a tangible record of it seems to me like a good thing — not just for historical purposes, but because I believe it gives some comfort, however small, to those left behind.
The request was made not because I botched the job – I’m pretty sure I didn’t — but because the woman felt it was pointless for people to say good things only after the person was gone. It would, she opined, be better for people to say these things while the subject was still living, and could appreciate and enjoy the compliments. After we went back and forth on the topic for a bit, she made her request. Only it came out more like a demand.
“Are you saying you forbid me to write about you after your death?” I asked. She replied affirmatively.
That request put me in a bit of a pickle. I’ve known this woman long enough to know her passing would leave a huge void. I know many of her colleagues, acquaintances, and a lot of other people would have a great deal to say.
This is a person who has touched and, I daresay, changed many lives over the years. This is a person who has devoted her career – and life – to finding ways to help some of our most vulnerable members of society during their most trying times.
This woman is something of a master at getting others to join her efforts. If she needs help, she doesn’t hesitate to pick up the phone and ask for it, and nobody is off-limits. She has managed to successfully enlist the assistance of some people you or I might consider unreachable. But she calls them, and they answer.
There is no doubt in my mind that if this woman died, many articles would be written, and many people would willingly comment positively. I know I would be viewed as remiss if I wrote nothing. I could see only one way to handle the situation.
“Then I forbid you to drop dead,” I countered.
“I’m not planning to,” she assured me.
That made both of us laugh, and we moved on to other business. But the conversation left me wondering long after the call ended what I would do if faced with that decision. It would be my job to write an article, and I would probably do it well.
But to do so, I would be left with the guilt of having dishonored a request. If the deceased didn’t haunt me, the knowledge of what I’d done probably would.
I could, of course, enlist a colleague to write an article. But none of my colleagues would be in a better position to do so. After more than 10 years of observation and experience, I have the anecdotes and the knowledge to write a moving tribute.
Perhaps most important, I would have the desire to do so. Her achievements for the benefit of others would be worthy of note, and few things would give me greater satisfaction than putting it down on paper – for the record.
With all that in mind, however, I have to say I think she has a good point. Once a person is gone, they’ll never hear our compliments and kind words.
So why not take a moment today to pay somebody a compliment? Pick up the phone and call someone to say you think they’re great.
Do this not for the record, but because it’s a good thing to do. Today.
Copyright 2006, Metropolitan News Company