Haunted by a Movie

Monday, November 13, 2006

Page 15

AT THE SIDEBAR (Column)

Haunted by a Movie

By J’AMY PACHECO

I love watching movies. As the local theater has become more crowded and expensive, I’ve learned to appreciate the benefits of waiting for a film to come out on DVD, renting it, and watching it in the comfort of my own living room.

Doing this became even easier when my husband signed up for an online service that lets us select the movies we want to see and mails them to us. We can keep them as long as we like, and when we return one, they send us the next movie on our list.

We’ve been doing this for months now. I think it’s the greatest online service offered since eBay gave people a place to sell those color pictures of Aunt Hazel’s colon.

But it’s not without its drawbacks, I discovered a few days ago.

At the top of our lengthy list for several months was a movie called “Ghost Ship.” I’d never heard of the movie until I saw it while browsing available selections online, where I read that the 1992 flick is about some kids who solve a mystery.

“The Goonies have got nothing on these adventure seeking kids,” the description read. “When a group of teens stumble across a mysterious treasure map, the search is on to find a lost pirate ship that’s filled with treasure. Though they soon discover a secret desert tunnel that will lead directly to the ship, the teens hadn’t counted on a pair of Chinese strangers to claim the bounty at any cost…”

I love the movie “Goonies,” so this definitely interested me. It sounded good to my 10-year-old, too, so I put it on our list.

We waited a long time for this movie, which was classified as a family adventure. It finally arrived, and with great anticipation, my daughter and I popped popcorn and snuggled on couch to watch the movie.

I was a little startled when the DVD opened with a glowing-eyed gargoyle-like image. But my daughter quickly pointed out that the image was just the logo for the production company; sort of like Paramount’s mountain or Universal’s planet, only creepier.

I felt better when the movie’s vintage but cheerful music played as the camera zoomed in on a luxury liner at sea. I relaxed as I watched happy passengers dancing and looking lovingly at one another. Waiters served passengers drinks, and a little girl looked admiringly at the captain, who was taking her for a spin on the dance floor.

I was puzzled when they cut to a big roll of metal cable. I assumed this cable must have something to do with the mystery to come. I remained baffled as the cable snapped and unrolled.

It took a moment for me to realize that it was supposed to have somehow whipped through an entire ballroom filled with dancing passengers. Unfortunately, I didn’t comprehend this until upper torsos and other body parts started dropping onto the dance floor.

Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to grab the remote and stop the DVD.

It turned out there is another movie called “Ghost Ship.” This one was made in 2002, and is rated R for strong language, gore, language and sexuality. (Geez – if that’s what you get with R, what constitutes an X rating? I mean, what else IS there?)

While the package for our DVD indicated we had the family movie, the disc contained the restricted film. Oops.

I affixed a note to the DVD before returning it, but that didn’t feel like enough. So I fired off an e-mail telling the company what happened. They apologized, and sent me an electronic coupon for a free movie rental.

Hmmm…that seems alike a fair trade. You traumatize my 10-year-old and show her your interpretation of human bodies cut in half, and I get a free movie rental. Maybe I can rent “American Psycho” or “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”

I’m kidding, of course, but it did occur to me that I might be placing too much trust in strangers.

Corporate America has done much to make our lives easier and more convenient – and for us to become lazier and less proactive. We drive through fast food restaurants, buy pre-torn, pre-washed lettuce, shop online, and get our entertainment through the mail.

This incident was a reminder to me that we have to be careful how much we turn over to others. Because once something like this happens, you can’t rewind and start over. Like those severed bodies on my television screen – some things just can’t be fixed.