The Name Game

Friday, June 10, 2005

Page 15

AT THE SIDEBAR (Column)

The Name Game

By J’AMY PACHECO

I was listening to my favorite country music radio station when I heard some of the most surprising news to come across the airwaves since the announcement of Britney Spears’ impending motherhood: entertainers Penn & Teller had welcomed a baby daughter, and given her the name Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette.

You’d have to have a lot of…well, moxie to name a kid Moxie CrimeFighter. (You’d also better have a good explanation, because when the kid gets into school and other kids get hold of that moniker, she’s gonna have some questions for Mom and Dad.)

According to my station’s deejay, the proud parents decided to give her the unusual middle name in case she ever got pulled over (as an adult, I assume) by a police officer. She could, they reasoned, explain that she and the officer were on the same side of the fight against crime, and theoretically, get out of a ticket.

It’s kind of an ironic theory, considering Moxie would be offering that explanation in the wake of having committed a crime. A small crime, I’ll admit, but a crime nonetheless. Go figure.

Call me crazy, but I think it would have saved the girl a lot of angst and heartache if they’d named her Mary Jane and paid for good driving lessons.

My dictionary says “moxie” means “guts, determination, fortitude.” I think that little girl is going to need a lot of all three to get through life with that bizarre name.

Perhaps she could call the Zappa kids for advice. I’ve never been able to understand how a guy named “Frank” could name his children “Moon Unit” and “Dweezil.” Maybe it’s a celebrity thing.

I always wondered what prompted the now-split couple of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore to name their daughters Rumer, Scout and Tallulah.

Rumer, I understand, was named for a novelist. Once I saw the name in print and realized it wasn’t “Rumor,” I thought it was kind of cute.

Scout sounds more like something you’d name a pet than a daughter. But having read “To Kill a Mockingbird,” I could understand their selection of that name as well.

I assume Tallulah was named after the legendary movie star, Tallulah Bankhead. I don’t know that for a fact, but c’mon, how many Tallulah’s are there in the world?

I’ve never seen Tallulah Willis, but no matter how you explain — or pronounce — it, the name still conjures up images of a diva with a long scarf and longer cigarette holder.

Yikes.

Two decades ago, the movie “Splash” came out. In the film, its mermaid star ended up with a spontaneously-adopted name based upon a famous New York street – Madison.

In those days, I didn’t know a single Madison. Today, there are little girls named Madison all over the place. Although I think the name is cute, it scares me a little bit to think that so many parents may have been inspired by a fish-out-of-water story.

Fortunately, the television series, “Boy Meets World” didn’t have a similar effect on child naming. I’ll never forget the first time I saw the series and realized they’d named a female character “Topanga.”

My then-pre-teen niece, Bethany, thought Topanga was the most beautiful name she’d ever heard. She voiced the possibility of naming the daughter she hoped to one day have Topanga.

Having lived in L.A. and driven Topanga Canyon, I was horrified by the idea.

What would be next? Children named “Wilshire,” “Vine,” and “Sixth Street?” Would I one day be presented with grandchildren carrying names like “I-110” or “Century Freeway?” Good Heavens.

Then, I remembered that odd names are nothing new. My great grandmother was named “Fannie Ball.” She married a guy named “Elmer Holliday,” saddling my mom’s grandmother with the name, “Fannie Ball Holliday.”

She turned out okay. She lived to be 99, so I guess it wasn’t too bad.

I went to high school with a girl whose last name was “Baer.” Apparently, her parents couldn’t resist temptation, and they named her “Teddy.” I always wondered what the chances were that she’d married someone whose last name was “Graham,” “Roosevelt” or “Ruxpin.” I guess I’ll never know.

I can’t help wondering, though, what name Britney Spears will select for her baby. I’m guessing it will be a doozey.

“Adoozey.” Hmm…that has kind of a nice ring to it…